"there and back again..."

I apologize for not writing in a while, but it has taken me quite a bit of time to clear my head. Most of you know that I have returned from Spain. I didn't want to announce it publicly because it was very hard to admit. I had paradise in my hand and crushed it to dust. I felt like a failure and I was very reluctant to admit to my friends and family that I had returned so soon.

So many unexpected, unwanted things occurred when I was there. From the first few days, something didn't feel right. It wasn't culture shock, it was something much deeper. To be clear, my number one problem was money. I had no idea using money that wasn't my own would make me feel so awful. Everything I did shackled me to the growing mountain of debt I left back in Arizona. How can you have fun when you're not free? The idealistic idiot in me was stabbed through the heart the minute I arrived.

After money it was a mountain of personal things occurred that I'm still not ready to be quite so open with. After a month I realized that it was not the right time to be here. There was this persistent voice that kept saying "not now, not now." I tried to negotiate it, rethink, be optimistic and quench it with whatever mental techniques I could summon...but alas, nothing. I took that as a huge sign. There was not a strong foundation under me. I was walking on sinking sand...my mind was a giant sandtrap.

I was walking around the city by myself one day...now I don't remember where, but I kept thinking back to the time I read The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath. If you're ever read Plath you know she is a dark lady of the pen. She suffered from depression for many years until her suicide. (sidenote: I'm not depressed or suicidal) anyway...the character in the Bell Jar is this 20 something girl with a great job in New York City, great boyfriend...yada yada. Well, she is miserable because something is missing--she can't be happy because something keeps hovering over her. I bizarrely remembered one quote from the book and this quote kept repeating itself in my head...

Wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.

It didn't matter where in the world I ran to--there is no hiding from what's inside you. When I got home, I had to do some deep reflection and I think that was what needed to happen all along. I really delved into why I went to Spain in the first place. Of course I went for more job experience, to perfect my Spanish...a host of practical reasons. However, the real heart of the matter was running away. Spain, to me, was my life preserver through college. I remember writing in so many journals..."if I can just get to Spain all will be right with the universe." I wanted to go and validate my life. All my friends were getting married, starting adult womanhood with their partners...I wanted to forge my own path, do something that no one else was doing.

Little did I know that running away from everything without a firm foundation would make things all the more difficult, if not impossible. I had the most amazing time in Spain. It was absolutely something out of a novel...so much fun, great people, amazing. However, jumping the gun, in the end, was not a wise move. I'm impulsive, I'm impatient and equipped with a college degree was my ticket to get out of dodge not matter what. Everything was perfect. I had a house, great roommates, about to begin an internship--but emotionally, nothing felt right...it didn't matter how well things were going. I had to leave befor it got too difficult to leave.

So, home again, home again. I was a bit of a zombie for a while. My physical self was in Phoenix--living, breathing, driving around but mentally, I was still lost in Barcelona. Now things seem to have settled. I'm looking for employment, resting, unpacking, re-organizing my life in Arizona... discovering who Kimberly is now that I can't hide behind college, working...what have you.

I have no regrets. I will say that again, no regrets. I'm glad this happened. I learned so much about myself and what needs to happen in the future while I stared out on the Spanish coast. This was a huge stepping stone for the future. I'm just laying low for a while. I think its what needs to happen for now. Strangely, while I was in Spain, I kept thinking about Australia... in time, I think I might venture out there for a while and have a second try at the whole living abroad thing...

I'll write again soon.