"life, or something like it."

My, Oh my. It has been months. I am a big writer but not a big blogger. For those of you who know me, my days in Flagstaff have left me some what warped, hippie, minimalist and believer that technology detaches us from humanity, etc. The list of conspiracy theories continue. As a result, I really lost my passion for writing my private thoughts online. I stick to a paper journal to analyze and learn about my feelings and my ideas for the future. The only reason I started this job was to keep friends and family updated on my whereabouts when I was living in Spain.

Well the Spain thing was wonderful, but it came and went. Since then, I had a little job for a while, got laid off and haven't been employed since. I'm living with my family, penniless but completely plotting my revenge on the world! Mwa ha ha! I want to go back to school but don't want to acquire anymore student loans and the moment....

I totally lost track as to what my point was in writing this entry? Hmmm. Don't know. Perhaps I realized that I had not written in so long, it seemed exciting to type things on this little blog that, at its conception, was so focused on the exciting future.

I want to live in Australia. Perhaps I will start the blog back up when I'm there. I'm thinking about massage therapy school. The inner hippie in me thinks it would be a good skill to have. After all, who doesn't love a good massage? What a perfect well to really, really communicate and interact with people. Plus, there could be travel perks!

Unemployment really leaves you a lot of time to think about what you want but can't necessarily have. I think I want a life that is free from BSing people, limited responsibility, maximum reward. I want to travel. I want to help people feel good, feel better, take care of themselves and their loved ones. After all, isn't that what life is about. Isn't that what God wants of his children?

That's what I believe in. I think that I have a little seedling of adventure growing in me. I want to see the world and have a little job to keep me afloat. I've always wanted that. That was why I put myself through two years of pre-dental classes--that vision of Kimberly in scrubs in some S. American village, speaking, smiling, interacting with people. I still want something like that. I've been pondering a lot about massage therapy. Why not have a skill that is rewarding, relaxing and really allows a connection with human beings?

This month marked the one year anniversary from my graduation from college. It absolutely flew by. It doesn't feel like a year has passed. It scared me. I think that may be the main motivation for this post. I feel like I need to figure things out and get my crap together. I don't feel I've been confused or disorganized but rather, hibernating. I've got the "Someday Syndrome" and it needs to be dealt with if I ever want to do what I want.

Too many friends are married with kids and I must be honest, it makes me want to barf. No judgements against these people. If you're in love. then by all means. But why so young people! We live in the 21st freakin century! Your twenties should be for YOU and YOU alone. Have fun, go on adventures, get your education, FIGURE OUT WHO YOU ARE AND WHAT YOU WANT BECAUSE I DOUBT ANY OF US ARE 100% SURE AT THIS AGE!!! Why do people fence themselves in the minute they get freedom!? Marriage, is great but kids too! PLEASE!? Can we just wait a few more years!? At least mid twenties!? I don't understand it. I don't understand the need.

Are we afraid to be alone? Do all us girls just want the big party and white dress?

For example, I recently read in the headlines that Mel Gibson had divorced his wife of 27 years and was having a child with his new girlfriend. This really got me thinking. Life is so unpredictable. Forever is never really forever. I mean, he and his wife were married for nearly thirty years! Then in his mid fifties he starts ALL OVER AGAIN with someone new. It really hit me. I imagine all of them ten years from now. Will they be with these people we're married to now? I hope so but statistically, no. The majority of them won't be because LIFE HAPPENS TO US ALL.

I don't think anyone is a butterfly. If you think of that analogy, if you really think about it...the butterfly is the perfect and completed incarnation of beauty and transformation. But, did you also know that that beautiful butterfly dies just a few days later!? I think we spend our whole lives in that crysalis. We're moving, growing, changing, thinking, dreaming, meeting new people, learning, forming new opinions, gaining new perspectives...it is endless. I don't think anyone is a butterfly. Why do we think that? I think we're butterflies at the very end of our lives when all the lessons we've learned, the people we've touched, the lives we've been apart of--when that finally comes together and our body is ready to ascend into eternity...I think that's when we're butterflies.

So, if we're not butterflies, why do we break out of the chyrsalis so early? We pop out at 21, find a husband, have babies, get a house, stay at a job we hate and then what???

I don't know what I'm saying. I think this would be appropriately titled as a "rant" or "vent fest." Hmmm. I think I'm done.

Final thought: I'm glad that I've had this year of nothing going on to explore who I am and what I want out of life. I wish more people had that opportunity; I wish they pursued it and weren't afraid of what it might reveal to them. The end.