"there and back again..."

I apologize for not writing in a while, but it has taken me quite a bit of time to clear my head. Most of you know that I have returned from Spain. I didn't want to announce it publicly because it was very hard to admit. I had paradise in my hand and crushed it to dust. I felt like a failure and I was very reluctant to admit to my friends and family that I had returned so soon.

So many unexpected, unwanted things occurred when I was there. From the first few days, something didn't feel right. It wasn't culture shock, it was something much deeper. To be clear, my number one problem was money. I had no idea using money that wasn't my own would make me feel so awful. Everything I did shackled me to the growing mountain of debt I left back in Arizona. How can you have fun when you're not free? The idealistic idiot in me was stabbed through the heart the minute I arrived.

After money it was a mountain of personal things occurred that I'm still not ready to be quite so open with. After a month I realized that it was not the right time to be here. There was this persistent voice that kept saying "not now, not now." I tried to negotiate it, rethink, be optimistic and quench it with whatever mental techniques I could summon...but alas, nothing. I took that as a huge sign. There was not a strong foundation under me. I was walking on sinking sand...my mind was a giant sandtrap.

I was walking around the city by myself one day...now I don't remember where, but I kept thinking back to the time I read The Bell Jar by Slyvia Plath. If you're ever read Plath you know she is a dark lady of the pen. She suffered from depression for many years until her suicide. (sidenote: I'm not depressed or suicidal) anyway...the character in the Bell Jar is this 20 something girl with a great job in New York City, great boyfriend...yada yada. Well, she is miserable because something is missing--she can't be happy because something keeps hovering over her. I bizarrely remembered one quote from the book and this quote kept repeating itself in my head...

Wherever I sat - on the deck of a ship or at a street café in Paris or Bangkok - I would be sitting under the same glass bell jar, stewing in my own sour air.

It didn't matter where in the world I ran to--there is no hiding from what's inside you. When I got home, I had to do some deep reflection and I think that was what needed to happen all along. I really delved into why I went to Spain in the first place. Of course I went for more job experience, to perfect my Spanish...a host of practical reasons. However, the real heart of the matter was running away. Spain, to me, was my life preserver through college. I remember writing in so many journals..."if I can just get to Spain all will be right with the universe." I wanted to go and validate my life. All my friends were getting married, starting adult womanhood with their partners...I wanted to forge my own path, do something that no one else was doing.

Little did I know that running away from everything without a firm foundation would make things all the more difficult, if not impossible. I had the most amazing time in Spain. It was absolutely something out of a novel...so much fun, great people, amazing. However, jumping the gun, in the end, was not a wise move. I'm impulsive, I'm impatient and equipped with a college degree was my ticket to get out of dodge not matter what. Everything was perfect. I had a house, great roommates, about to begin an internship--but emotionally, nothing felt right...it didn't matter how well things were going. I had to leave befor it got too difficult to leave.

So, home again, home again. I was a bit of a zombie for a while. My physical self was in Phoenix--living, breathing, driving around but mentally, I was still lost in Barcelona. Now things seem to have settled. I'm looking for employment, resting, unpacking, re-organizing my life in Arizona... discovering who Kimberly is now that I can't hide behind college, working...what have you.

I have no regrets. I will say that again, no regrets. I'm glad this happened. I learned so much about myself and what needs to happen in the future while I stared out on the Spanish coast. This was a huge stepping stone for the future. I'm just laying low for a while. I think its what needs to happen for now. Strangely, while I was in Spain, I kept thinking about Australia... in time, I think I might venture out there for a while and have a second try at the whole living abroad thing...

I'll write again soon.

the rain in spain stays mainly on the plain

Poor poor internet options have kept me from documenting my thoughts. Who knew dial-up could drive me mad!? I believe my first words regarding a dial-up modem were..."how 3rd world!?" That´s something i imagine Paris Hilton would say. I hate that woman-girl-thing-dirty hotel towel that she is. It is so sad, I´ve come to find many Europeans believe American girls are all Paris Hiltons...as far as IQs are concerned. Three cheers for my friend Holly who is Ghana--that lady is really rocking the 3rd world and I am thrilled for her. Yay NAU adventurers! I wonder if my reaction to poor internet options shows me how high maintenance I am? I mean, Holly is showering in cold water out of a broken lead pipe, purifying her water with a neon light bulb and pays nearly 80 cents a minutes to use a dial-up modem and is smiling ear to ear. I don´t get wireless and I pitch a fit. Not good odds for future world travels. :/

Barcelona...what to say ? My adventures minus my dear companion Rob haven´t been as party-party and I´m glad for that. No one could keep up that routine for long. I don´t know how they do it. I´ve been feeling a bit better emotionally--not 100% by any means, but better. On the 21st there was a plane crash in Madrid and it really shook me up. Next to being ripped to pieces by a shark, I think a plane crash is my greatest fear and the most horrifying death one could ever have. It broke my heart to see the people crying, literally falling on their knees because their grief physically paralyzed them. The country still doesn´t know what happened. It seemed as though there was some sort of explosion during take-off in which an immediate crash followed and burned everything up. They won´t give official answers to the family for a few more weeks. That was really hard to witness. Melancholy and tragedy, not a good combo.

Luckily, I didn´t wallow in spectator grief for too long. My roommate pulled me out of my emotional pit and forced me to get out of the flat. Beate has been a great explorer companion. She is new to Barci as well. Today I decided finally to take some pictures around town... unfortunately, with this crap computer situation I´m currently in, there won´t be any up for a while. Argh.

I can´t describe how cool it is to be in Europe and not really feel the desire to take pictures. When your suddenly "living" in a new place I think you´re more concerned with familiarizing yourself with surroundings instead of clicking away at random buildings. Today I put my tourist shoes on and clicked my camera just like all the other schmoes.

I wish I could say I´ve just been having fun and exploring Barci like a little European princess...mostly I´ve been worrying that the fairytale will end before it begins. Finances suck. Money is evil and the Euro is a nightmare-hell-beast that takes my dollars and swallows them hole. Gulp.

I´ll report more as it unravels before me. I just noticed that my apostrophe key is acutally an accent mark...so just ignore the weirdness. :) Pictures are in the works, I promise. As for now...just Google the city and put imaginary Kimberly in the scene. xoxo

como se dice???

So, almost ten days in Spain and my thoughts are finally clear enough to form sentences. i will post pictures soon. i have a feeling i'm going to be really bad a that. after all, this really isn't a kind of tourist thing for me...therefore, the camera isn't with me--just my eyes. Feelings are jumbled and varied. The truth is, I had no idea I would feel this way.

I'm excited. I'm homesick. I'm worried and as of this Thursday, I will be completely by myself. Rob will leave back to Flagstaff leaving me by my lonesome in the seaside city. One thing that really caught me off guard was the language. I knew about Catalan but I had no idea that Castillian Spanish would be practically obsolete around the city?! To explain Catalan, put Spanish, Italian and French in a blender, hit puree, then paint it on every sign in Barcelona and that's what I'm dealing with. It is a little upsetting. After all, I came here to perfect Spanish and now I find myself dealing with this whole new course on the menu that I wasn't prepared for. :(

My flat is really cute. Very little as Europe usually is. Its just enough space for me and a few of my little things and that's it. Maybe 6ft by 15 ft...maybe. Its been incredibly humid and balmy. I stopped putting on make-up because it melts off within moments. Throughout Rob's time here with me, he has helped me get familiar with the metro, explore the ins and outs, set up my room and get to know my flatmates.

They are really precious and incredibly perplexing characters. Beate (BEE-AH-TAH) is a 26 year old female Austrian who loves smoking and working with young children. Go figure. Did I mention she likes smoking? Next to a chimney I've never met anyone who puffs so much! Regardless of her tobacco habit she has great taste in music, loves to relax, have fun, travel and read Intouch magazine. Petru (PET-TRUE) is 26, Romanian and quite the puzzle. He seems incredibly hippy one moment and then total frat boy the next. He is sweet and speaks wonderful English as well as Romanian, Spanish and Catalan. I feel so dumb and small next to them. Here I am killing myself to learn two when they just have a whole armoir full of foreign tongues to start blabbing! We all speak English in the house. I think it is mostly for Beate whose Spanish is presently not up to par. Neither is mine. Its nice in these early days.

Despite being the youngest person in the house, I feel like the oldest. They are such party animals. Then again, perhaps it is the city that makes them so. In these past few days I am astonished as to how quickly I completely morphed into a vampire! Everything starts happening around 10pm and doesn't stop until sunrise. The other day I slept until 4pm! I nearly cried! Then again, not having slept until 6am will do that to you. I'm not sure how much I like the nightowl status needed to have fun here. :/

It is still very new. I miss Phoenix. In my heart, I never really wanted to leave. I love Arizona. I love my family and friends and now that I'm so far away...I crave to be close again. Its amazing how homesickness can just worm its way in and infect everything. I love this city--Spain is incredible, I just wish I felt better. I have a feeling this time I'm going to need a huge adjustment period before I start feeling normal and not like an frightened rabbit.

This is what growth is about right? I keep trying to remind myself why I am here in the first place and the truth is, I really don't know. My internship begins September 1st and...we'll see how that goes. I hope I break out of this scared little shell soon. I'm sure to write after Rob leaves and hopefully post some pictures. :)

the final countdown...

Why is it whenever I have mindblowingly difficult things ahead of me...I procrastinate until the last possible moment!? The only reason I have is perhaps it is in these final moments when I receive the most clarity. As of this moment there are a trillion things I'm thinking about in regards to Spain and the prominent you-probably-shouldn't-go kinds of thoughts...and yet, in the middle of all the negativity that has paralyzed me from packing my suitcase...there is this little sliver of glimmering light. This little ray of optimism shines brightly and says "what if its wonderful." I feel one can never be ready for these kinds of things. All one's preparation, no matter how sincere or meticulous--it never prepares you for actually walking out the door and getting on the plane.

I've been dreaming about returning to Spain since the moment I left it 4 years ago. Now the day has come and it is completely on my terms. I can truly say I have never felt anything quite like this in all my little life--this complete amalgamation of fear, joy, excitement, doubt, uncertainty and sheer bliss. I think travel is the best education anyone on earth could ever receive. Going to a foreign country is like returning to the purity of your youth...even for just a moment. You're a baby again--baby eyes and ears to the world around you.

One thing that I absolutely adore and I couldn't be more grateful to learn more about is how travel teaches us about humanity. No matter what language they speak or what strange food they eat or clothes they wear--this person has a beating heart. He/She wants good things for themselves, their families, they want to have fun, celebrate being alive, honor what is sacred to them, protect what is precious, respect the teachings of the past and show you what gives them passion. I feel the more we can learn to embrace this above all other things the better the world will be.

Though it is Barcelona...an incredibly modern, cosmopolitan city where an eager, idealistic 20- something will fit right in and probably not encounter too much culture shock. I feel a bit silly speaking so dramatically...perhaps if I were going to a dark jungle in the Amazon or war-torn nation in the East; such poetry would be appropriate. Still, it is what my heart speaks. It is still a new adventure where the roads are uncertain--where the path is yet to begin. Through all the doubt and emotional septic tank back-up, I have to get on that plane tomorrow. I have to do this...for me, for the Kimberly 10 years from now, and above all, the Kimberly right now. I'm at the edge of the diving board...

This is my goodbye to all the loves in my life--family, friends, teachers, the eternally beautiful Arizona sky...I love you all with a fervor and passion that I can't articulate. I do this for you. You are all sewn into the very fabric of who I am and I will carry your spirits with me on my journey to new lands. No matter what happens, I wouldn't change one moment of my blessed life whether it lasts another 50 years or another 50 minutes... thank you all so much for the love and support you have given me. I leave you with these...

“Don’t tell me how educated you are, tell me how much you traveled.” --Mohammed

"The world is a book--those who do not travel read only one page." --St. Augustine

“Perhaps travel cannot prevent bigotry, but by demonstrating that all peoples cry, laugh, eat, worry, and die, it can introduce the idea that if we try and understand each other, we may even become friends.” --Maya Angelou

are you ready to jump?

So, I christen the new blog. Barcelona is t-minus 8 days! I am so overwhelmed and completely beside myself with all kinds of emotion. This final week has been one exhausting task after the other...moving out of my house, quiting my job at NAU, leaving my internship in Sedona--I'm breathless and stressed.

However, yesterday, I had a quiet moment to myself while driving along the tranquil route of 89-A. In a daze I stared at the trees, the red rocks emerging from the land like an indescribable painting...and some songs came through the speakers that completely brought tears to my eyes. Its amazing how music can just transcend time and place. Songs you have heard thousands of times and yet...at your most vulnerable and confused moment, it takes on a power you could have never imagined.

Here are a few of the inspiring words that really prepared my heart for the tears that needed to flow--the inspiration I needed to hear. Though they are not heart-wrenching ballads or quiet ambient melodies, their message hit me at the perfect moment.


There's only so much you can learn in one place. The more that I wait, the more time that I waste. I haven't got much time to waste, it's time to make my way. I'm not afraid of what I'll face but I'm afraid to stay. I'm going down my own road and I can make it alone. I'll work and I'll fight till I find a place of my own. Are you ready to jump? Get ready to jump. Don't ever look back. We learned our lesson from the start, my sisters and me. The only thing you can depend on is your family. Life's gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree...it sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see. "Jump" --Madonna

Listen, heart. Listen close. Listen to the melancholy melody of your own voice. I am weary of my own dreaming. I am tired of waiting, so this time, I'm leaping. I reach beyond myself to see what I find--beyond my mind, there is no time in this place beyond my sight... my heart knows what is not yet seen. I'm witnessing my own becoming. Lash myself to the mantle of my desire. I will turn from its temptations, but the wanting takes me higher. I am hurting. Oh, I am not yet born... I am the mother and the father of what is not yet known. "Becoming" -- Jewel

Such a peace was felt. I am supposed to walk this path. I have really never felt so open to the world! I have nothing holding me back... This is what its about. Go forth.